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3/4/10

the endless winter..

it seems like spring is so far away. the snow still falls, only lightly, and the ice still comes like rain. its lonely here. while the snow is beautiful, the emptiness is not. i think of those i love, and miss them so much. i hold them in my heart, and talk to the pictures on my wall everyday. this has been a long cold winter, and there has been more snow then any winter past. its colder i believe because there are no bodies to give off heat. it makes me wonder, with humans gone.. what is the world going to be like? im sure the weather will change, it will be alot more fierce than normal. but maybe the summers will start to cool down some. the buds are coming out on the trees, but i dont feel the spring yet.
i have things that keep me occupied, such as my indoor garden and my animals. my games. but when there is nobody left to talk to, these things that occupy me seem useless. i am a little apprehensive about going out west. i always wanted to see for myself. i am tired of looking in pictures. i want to stand on a cliff at the grand canyon, i want to stand with my feet in the surf of the ocean. i cannot think of a place i would rather be, then in my own mind at peace. although peace will never come to me, i want to get as close as i can. the night does not worry me anymore. the last full moon, i went out of the city, into a open space and i fell to my knees and asked my mother why this has happened to me. i felt a warmth from the heavens, and basked in the glow of the full fertile moon. the light was bright and inviting. she held me as i cried.
nothing makes since. i believe i am being punished. in all honesty, i loved my family very much.. but i hated people. i hate my own race. people are greedy and have no morals. even the people that say they are children of god. they were destroying our earth, other people. there was not peace in the world when the world was full of humans. now there are none, and i believe that mother can now take back what rightfully belongs to her. with man gone, she can live again.
i try to get out as much as i can, but it hasn't been much. i seem to want to stay in, covered up on my couch and feel sorry for myself.
i am tired. seems like i always am lately. i use my herbs and take them daily. it helps keep my strength up.
the dogs have grown alot and are good companions. they stay by side when i go out and are good about alerting me to anything that might be a threat. i have seen some other dogs around, but none have bothered me. they have gone to food i put out in front of the store, and i refill the trough every day or so. i have had to break the ice off the top of the water, it freezes during the night. im sure they hunt for small animals. it doesnt surprise me much that i have seen some deer around in town. they come in small herds of 4 or 5, not bothered anymore by humans. i suspect they are good hunting for the strays.
i am considering taking the boards off of the windows. so far nothing has happened and i have not seen any danger. but im not worried about that anymore, im worried about attracting hungry animals. the lights at night may do do that when it escapes the windows.
maybe i will rig some kind of something up that will allow me to use the light during the day and cover it during the night. i think maybe drapes are the answer. why i didnt think of it before.
i think alot about the one who i let get away.