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ashes to ashes.

the one thing i want most in the world is my family. i would give anything to see thier smiling faces again. to touch my daughters, to hug my son. to feel my man beside me again. i grieve, i drink, i get stoned. anything to try and ease the pain.
i have one family member. i will start the suv early in the morning and be on the road by 6am. i will take all the backroads as far as possible before i absolutly have to take the interstates. at first it hought, i would go and get him. bring him back here. at least we would be together. but truth be told, thats being selfish. he wanted to be burried beside maryjane, but my uncle kept him on his computer desk since the time of his cremation. it has been almost two years, and my uncle was so selfish that he never thought twice about disobeying his wishes. so i cant. i cant bring him back here. its not fair to him. so im driving to michigan to bury my fathers ashes.
i am still very afraid of the night. the day too, sometimes. but the night frightens me most. being unaware of whats out there in the dark. i hate that the windows are boarded up. no sun comes in, and its very depressing. i try to keep busy, try to keep my mind off things, but sometimes nothing helps. so i put all my energy into finding useful things that might help me in the future. i think the trip to michigan will be what i need. to venture out in the world and maybe somewhere, there will be somebody. i can pull clothes off the rack wherever, and find food, lock myself in a motel room for the night. ill be ok. after all, i should get over my fear. especially if i want to make that trip to calli this season.
blogging here really helps. i guess because i feel like im talking to someone. just typing it all out helps my state of mind. even if it is just very little. i have a yukon. i consider it a suv, but its pretty big, and so maybe i can find things i may need and bring them back with me. now that i think about it, i wonder if they have any head shops open up there yet. they legalized it a year or so ago. that will be sweet!