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7/9/15

Alice=me.

Some say our lives are based solely on the choices we make as individuals, be those choices right or wrong. I however believe our lives are the paths we walk, chosen for us. I believe life is written in chapters, delicately woven and handwritten by the fates themselves. Some chapters are meant to overlap, others meant to end on their own, and yet others end all too soon, perhaps before they even had a chance to begin. Then there are the parts scattered throughout the book like breadcrumbs leading you to believe that the best chapters are yet to be written.

When you come across people in your life, they are there for a reason. rather it is someone you love, someone whom you despise, or someone you have only met once.
The fates decide who should stay in our lives, who shouldn't and then there are those who will turn your world upside down but you are destined to part with, only to have them reappear at different times throughout your life.
Those you missed chances with time and again only to show up at the most delicate time in life and awaken you from your slumber.Up until this point you have been walking around in a daze.. wait.
I should be clear when I say you, that I am not actually talking about you- but myself.
Something has been awakened in me that I have never experienced before this point. Perhaps once, ok, 5 or 6 times this experience could had been possible, but the fates did not plan it this way for me.
I keep asking them why they make it so difficult for me, leaving me the decision of what it is that I have to do with all this time I have in which I finally find I am awake.
Truth is- I am both mesmerized and scared to death all at the same time.
I mean.. exactly HOW does one make a decision that can and will affect everyone in their lives that they love? How do you change everything you know and have come to love for something that is both certain and uncertain all at the same time.
For a love, a connection you know to be true, one you have never felt with anyone else, and after years and years of trying to pursue this same connection only to find that it wasn't your time, It comes again, this time stronger with more purity and sheer beauty than ever before, at a place in your life when you have the most to lose.

I keep telling myself I have to make it go away. I can't, shouldn't be feeling the way I feel, but yet I find myself drawn in, invisible hands pulling me back down this insane rabbit hole, and I find myself further and further down every time I am inside. It is becoming increasingly harder and to pull myself out because I don't know if I want to.. because inside that rabbit hole I act like a completely different woman, yet more myself than ever before. Even while I wrap myself in the warmth and comfort of this small opening I have fallen into, becoming drunk on scents and lost in feelings, there is still a world above me that needs me there in every aspect.
People who would never understand how or why I fell into the rabbit hole, and what makes me want to stay inside it. Maybe, the rabbit hole makes me forget the world above, it certainly seems as though everything else disappears once inside it, taking with it the normal that I find myself used to. The troubles that I find myself dealing with. But the thing with rabbit holes, is that eventually you have to come out of them.

So I find myself myself like Alice, utterly lost.

The wondrous moment of our meeting...
Still I remember you appear
Before me like a vision fleeting,
A beauty's angel pure and clear.

In hopeless ennui surrounding
The worldly bustle, to my ear
For long your tender voice kept sounding,
For long in dreams came features dear.

Time passed. Unruly storms confounded
Old dreams, and I from year to year
Forgot how tender you had sounded,
Your heavenly features once so dear.

My backwoods days dragged slow and quiet --
Dull fence around, dark vault above --
Devoid of God and uninspired,
Devoid of tears, of fire, of love.

Sleep from my soul began retreating,
And here you once again appear
Before me like a vision fleeting,
A beauty's angel pure and clear.

In ecstasy my heart is beating,
Old joys for it anew revive;
Inspired and God-filled, it is greeting
The fire, and tears, and love alive.

Alexander Pushkin-