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I share files and ebooks in different formats on everything related to- survival, canning, homesteading, permaculture, bugging out, living off grid, gardening and things of the like. Please join my facebook group to have access to the files, You can find the link below on the top left hand side.

11/1/09

my personal hell?

am i dead? at first i thought it must be a prank. when i woke to find my husband gone, my first thought was that he is downstairs putting on a fresh pot of coffee for me. he will be up soon with a cup. i lay there for 15 minutes, and he still hadnt come up. it was quiet. unusual for morning, since my son is usually up watching charmed. i figured they must be outside. maybe he is smoking. i come donwstairs and started my coffee. a few minutes later with a hot cup, i went on outside to talk to the two. but they wernt there. the car is in the driveway, where the hell are they? i got this twisting pain in my stomach, something bad happened. i set my coffee down on the cooler on the porch, slipped on my sandals and went around back. nothing. i walked out to the sidewalk, and looked up and down the street, nothing. not only were they gone, but it was unusually quiet out here. no cars, no sound of cars on the main road a block or two away. it's just really quiet. its 9 in the morning, and im freaking out. i went in, threw on my jogging pants that are laying over the back of my chair, and grabbed the keys. i drove myself to the hospital. there were cars on the streets, but noone in them. no people walking around outside the buildings.. the hospital showed no activity outside of it at all. shouldnt there be people coming in and out of the er?i parked right at the front door, behind this empty ambulance, and i ran inside. by this time, my hands were shaking, and i had tears running down my cheeks. espically coming in to the er part of the hospital and seeing that absolutly nobody is there. NOBODY. what kind of sick fucking shit is this?i ran through those halls, i went all through that er and nobody is there. no doctors, no patients, no sick sicks. all the floors are fucking empty.my daughters. i called my x husbands house, nobody answered. i called my oldest daughters house, nobody answered. so i got those keys and i drove out there. vickie is gone, larry, terri, joe, all gone. there are cars all over the roads, like people were going somewhere, then everything just stopped. everybody is gone. the only living things i have seen today are animals. i havent seen any people. i stayed curled up on my daughters bed for 3 hours, crying my heart out. then i drove into town to the drug store and climbed over the counter and found some zanex. after a zanex a hour for the last 3 hours, i have at least been somewhat sane. i got my baby girls teddy bear off her bed. is she really gone? is everybody really gone? maybe im still dreaming. i pinched myself and that didnt work, i stuck a needle in my arm and that didnt work, hell i even got brave enough to jump off the damn porch making sure to land hard on my stomach just to see if i would wake up. it didnt fucking work. this is some kind of horror movie, where every body turned into zombies and they are hiding from the sun waiting to come out when it gets dark. i am fucking scared. more scared than i have ever been in my life. when i left to go find drugs, i went over to the pawn shop. had to break the window out, i got at a distance to do that, found a trash can. it was heavy but i managed. the broken glass made me nervous when i crossed it, but i got in there. fear does strange things to people i guess. suddenly now i feel like a syco killer, i filled the trunk of my hubbys car with every firearm available in that place. im carrying a holster carrier thing on me with a handgun in it. like the ones on bad boys. i shot one before, my brother had one. i shot at a tree, its just like that one, so i know the saftey button, which i checked 5 times before i put in in that carrier on my side. i taught myself how to load the guns, before i left. the rifles were pretty easy. tomarrow, if i live through the night, ill practice shooting some stuff.hard to tell if i will live or not. a couple of times today the thought run through my head of just ending it now. how the hell can i live without my family? the only thing keeping me from it is that maybe im in a coma. something is wrong. i guess the best explanation is the one that makes sence to someone who is completly alone in the world. its gonna be dark real soon. im going to head over to 84 lumber or lowes or something and get some boards and some plywood. some big ass nails so that i can board up the windows. lucky me i have only 3. i have to rig up some kind of thing so i can put a 2x4 accross my door. not gonna help much if the zombies want in, but i guess ill try. i have to get some candles too. i dont want to use the lights, i dont want to attract anything.i think posting here will be the only thing that will keep me sane.is there anybody out there?